


Once Upon A Time In Albuquerque

by AceyEnn



Category: Weird Al Yankovic (Musician)
Genre: Gen, IT'S A FANFIC BASED ON ALBUQUERQUE OKAY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-26 14:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/651370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceyEnn/pseuds/AceyEnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I decided to write a hyper-serious darkfic based on Albuquerque and it came out as ridiculous as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon A Time In Albuquerque

**Author's Note:**

> no regrets

It 's another awful day in Albuquerque, where the sickening smell of warm root beer pervades the overly-hot summer air. Where the shriners and the lepers won't stop playing their goddamn ukuleles. Where you can't go a fucking hour without some random asshole on the street saying, “Hey, I'll shave your back for a nickel!”  
  
I wish I'd never won that contest. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck here in Albuquerque, caring for Nathaniel and Superfly as a single father. Zelda never even pays child support anymore. God, I miss her.  
  
My kids are ungrateful; my pet poodle was killed by the weasels from the donut shop. Even the chocolate mint on my pillow has long since melted. Hell, I don't even have my part-time job at the Sizzler anymore--all I have left is the horrible scars on my face from putting out that grease fire. They fired me after I cut off Marty's arms and legs. I can't fucking believe it--Torso Boy was asking for it, quite literally.  
  
Maybe my luck ran out when that hermaphrodite stole my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkle. I can't believe he got away with that. The cops just told me, “That's just the way things work in Albuquerque.”   
  
Zelda had understood. She had comforted me when I told her my sad story. But now she's out of my life, probably forever. I haven't heard from her in years.  
  
Nathaniel and Superfly are going off to college tomorrow. I'll be truly alone then. I'll bet they won't even write, either.   
  
I'd get a ticket back to Lynwood, but I can't afford it, not with my kids going off to school. Even with my mom's sauerkraut obsession, there was something wonderful about home, something that Albuquerque would never be able to replicate. I think Mom's probably dead now. Haven't heard from her in a long time, either.  
  
My name is Alfred Yankovic, and I hate my life--even more than I hate sauerkraut.


End file.
